Step at A Time
by AddictedtoTsuzukiTatsumi
Summary: Moments leading step by step to an eventual TsuzukiTatsumi romance.
1. Chapter 1

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

This is my first stab at a yaoi (I hope I'm using the right term, basically man on man love but not 'mature') story. It's going to start as a one shot, and I will continue it if the mood hits me as likely a series of one-shots that build into a story. Kind of a whole stand alone complex thing (TM Ghost in the Shell).

Feedback is a good way to make the mood hit me, and as they say, flames will be used to toast my marshmallows….and then make some s'mores, because I don't really like marshmallows by themselves….

Seriously, feedback is always appreciated!

Please note that I really just started getting into YNM. I've watched the anime, and am currently reading the manga, so if I get certain history and such wrong, please bear with me—I may just not know about it yet.

But this doesn't follow any particular storyline anyway…it's all just something that dances around in my head based on a variety of sources.

Finally, I am really busy, so if this becomes a regular story, it may not be updated often (it will alternate between this and other stories I write). I apologize in advance (but it's also one of the reasons I hope to be able to make each chapter stand on its own).

Disclaimer—I own nada. Really. I need some money….

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Tatsumi finished his dinner, realizing that he could have made better at home. He had made better at home.

Yet, he hadn't been in the mood to go to his place. While he normally enjoyed the solitary environment his home provided, today he knew that being home alone would have him feeling just that…alone.

Tatsumi chastised himself for splurging. He went into his wallet, taking out the money for his dinner…the service was decent…eh…he decided to give the full tip, part of him wishing that someone was here to see that he wasn't always a 'tightwad' as he heard them whispering when they thought he wasn't around.

Tatsumi began the long walk home, remembering their conversation like it was yesterday.

He had told him it was all right. He had told him that it didn't matter.

Yet, his eyes…those enchanting violet eyes…screamed a different story.

Yes, he had acted like he didn't care, even reminding him that it had happened before.

But those eyes…those enchanting violet eyes….

Tatsumi hated that he had caused Tsuzuki so much pain. Tatsumi didn't handle pain well…sadness well…

He just wanted Tsuzuki to be happy, yet on this very day so many years ago, Tatsumi was the one to cause Tsuzuki all of that pain.

But really, did it even matter anymore? Not to Tsuzuki that was for damn sure. Because if it hadn't happened, he would never have been partnered with Hisoka; and in all honesty, Hisoka was the best partner Tsuzuki had ever had.

Tsuzuki didn't even need Tatsumi anymore.

And if he wasn't already dead, that fact would kill Tatsumi.

Despite Tatsumi being the one to allegedly cut their ties…despite the fact that Hisoka was there to be by Tsuzuki's side through the good and the bad so that at least Tsuzuki was no longer alone.

Despite the fact that the reason Tatsumi quit as Tsuzuki's partner in the first place was because he felt he couldn't handle Tsuzuki's blue moods…

The fact that now Hisoka was the one to be with Tsuzuki through those blue moods just made it more obvious to Tatsumi how closely tied he felt to the other.

No, he didn't want to be Tsuzuki's partner…but Tatsumi now realized he wanted to be 'the one'.

Even though he didn't really know how.

And in the end, that was what hurt the most.

Yes, he wanted Tsuzuki to be happy.

He just wished that Tsuzuki was happy because of him. But he didn't know how to make that happen.

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It was an anniversary of sorts. One he wished he never had….

Tsuzuki finished his cup of sake only to pour himself another.

He had told him it was all right. He had told him that it didn't matter.

An anniversary he wished he couldn't remember. Yet, Tsuzuki remembered everything….

He had acted like he didn't care. Hell, it's not like this had never happened to him before, he had reminded the other.

He bet that Tatsumi didn't remember…or even if he did, that he didn't care….

And besides, if it hadn't happened, he would never have been partnered with Hisoka; and in all honesty, Hisoka was the best partner he'd ever had.

Which said a lot, coming from the years of experience Tsuzuki had.

Hisoka was like Tsuzuki's anchor, his balance. He reeled him in when necessary; whether Tsuzuki wanted it or not.

Hisoka was a better partner for him than Tatsumi. And Tatsumi was better off as well.

Of that Tsuzuki was sure.

So, really, didn't it all work out in the end?

Yet, that was how Tsuzuki found himself in such a strange predicament. Appreciating what he had, even as his heart ached for what he missed.

Because the fact remained, Tsuzuki originally thought that Tatsumi was 'the one'. And even though after-life had proved him wrong in parts, in all of the ways that mattered Tatsumi still seemed to be 'the one'.

Tsuzuki poured the last of the sake, already debating on whether he should order more.

But if he was late again tomorrow, both Hisoka and Tatsumi would have his head. Tsuzuki finished his drink, placed his money on the table, nodded politely, and then he was off.

The night was warm…or maybe that was just the liquor heating his body.

Happy Happy Happy…

Where had he heard that from?

"Happy Happy Happy" Tsuzuki repeated to himself, aloud this time as he walked slowly home. Soon, it became a chant, and as he took each step, the word happy would escape his lips.

"Happy Happy Happy…oh…excuse…" Tsuzuki looked up to see whose path he almost collided with. "Tatsumi!" he beamed. "I…" he stopped himself before admitting that he had been thinking of him…missing him.

His smile faded, something in him threatening to break as he stared into those blue eyes…those eyes so blue even in the night sky, so clear even somewhat hidden behind those glasses.

Tatsumi cleared his throat, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Tsuzuki" he answered softly, ignoring the urge to ask if everything was all right. "You've been drinking" He was sure Tsuzuki wouldn't confide in him anyway.

He cleared his throat once more, pushed his glasses up again.

"Alone?" he compromised, thinking that was a normal enough question.

"Watari was with me for a bit...but he always seems ready to leave before I am. I asked Hisoka to come with us, but he reminded me that he hates drinking. I do wish that Hisoka enjoyed it more; I hate drinking by myself, and maybe between the two of them I would never finish alone." Tsuzuki pouted.

"Yes…well…you do have to be in bright and early tomorrow. I suggest you head straight home." Tatsumi nodded his goodbye before continuing on his way.

Tsuzuki turned, watching as Tatsumi began heading to his place again.

Tsuzuki wished Tatsumi was coming with him.

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Watari…Hisoka…asking Tatsumi had probably never crossed Tsuzuki's mind, Tatsumi realized.

He wished Tsuzuki had asked if he wanted to join him.

He turned around, surprised to see the other was still standing in his spot. Was he that intoxicated? He didn't seem so, but…

Tsuzuki's eyes grew to see Tatsumi heading back his way.

"Do you need me to walk you home?"

Tsuzuki almost shook his head no.

But as he stared into those eyes… those blue eyes…those eyes so blue even in the night sky, so clear even somewhat hidden behind those glasses…

Tsuzuki found himself answering, "Yes."

It was better than nothing, Tatsumi decided. Tsuzuki needed him at this particular moment…yes, he was the only one here Tsuzuki could ask, but at least Tsuzuki needed him for something at this moment and time.

Without a word, Tatsumi began walking towards Tsuzuki's place, Tsuzuki at his side,

Waiting for that disapproving sigh Tatsumi was known for.

But it never came.

It wasn't quite what Tsuzuki wished for, but it was better than nothing. Tatsumi was here, walking with him right now…yes, it was only because Tatsumi had some sort of odd urge to take care of things…but still, at least Tatsumi was with at this moment and time.

There was nothing special about this one moment, they each told themselves.

Yet, it was one moment they each would hold onto and file away in their memories.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—Own a bit more than last time because I received Christmas gifts. But I still don't own anything D&D related.

Feedback fills me with warm fuzzies!

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The man was so beautiful…Tatsumi, Hisoka, and Watari all stared in disgust…except when he was eating.

"That is revolting" Hisoka shook his head.

"You would think after all of these years, he would learn how to eat like a normal being" Watari agreed.

Tatsumi was quiet. Until he sighed that deep sigh that finally made Tsuzuki look up from his bowl. Tatsumi reached out, holding Tsuzuki's face with one hand and wiping the excess food from the corner with his other. "Slow. Down."

Tsuzuki blushed. "Sorry. I was just really hungry."

Tatsumi sighed again and removed his hands. Yet, Tsuzuki still blushed. His face warm from Tatsumi's touch. Butterflies filled his stomach and he wasn't hungry anymore…Tsuzuki's eyes grew as Tatsumi drew a lollipop from his jacket pocket.

"Oooo…"

"If you can eat the rest of breakfast like a normal person, you may have this" he placed the candy on the table in between them and automatically Tsuzuki reached for it.

Hisoka shook his head again as Tatsumi slapped Tsuzuki's hand. "Baka" Hisoka noted.

Tsuzuki started to tear up. "Tatsumi! You're so mean!"

"Fine. You don't get it at all." Tatsumi decided, standing and placing the lollipop back in his pocket. "And straighten yourself up before you leave here."

Tsuzuki looked down, but he could find nothing wrong with his outfit…he cut his violet eyes as Tatsumi reached over, tightening his tie. Normally he would be flattered, and grateful, even if slightly embarrassed by the chance to be touched by Tatsumi, but right now all he could think about was that lollipop that Tatsumi had so cruelly offered and than taken away. "I can dress myself you know" he mumbled.

"You could have fooled me" Tatsumi answered back, holding his own blue eyed glare as Tsuzuki stared into his eyes.

"All right, corners, corners" Watari sung.

"Excellent idea" Tatsumi decided, leaving the table.

"I swear, watching them is like watching and an old married couple at times" Watari mentioned to Hisoka who nodded in agreement.

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"If we get you a lollipop will you stop sulking like a five year old" Hisoka asked Tsuzuki when he had finally had enough of his silence. They strolled through the streets, looking for the young woman they were to convince to finally let her soul cross over to the other side.

"I just don't see why he's so mean!"

"Because you get on his nerves" Hisoka shrugged.

Tsuzuki whined, "He treats me like a kid."

"You act like one sometimes."

Tsuzuki didn't answer and went back to giving Hisoka the silent treatment. He was an adult…a hundred times over if you counted by alive human years. He didn't need Tatsumi to wipe his face, or fix his tie, damn it. Even if he was a childish adult, he was still an adult. And he didn't see why Tatsumi would just focus on certain little things like his manners or his clothing. Didn't Tatsumi have more important things to do?

"Besides, you dote on the attention."

Tsuzuki stopped in his tracks.

"Well, you do."

"Maybe sometimes…" he stammered, realizing how pointless it would be to lie to Hisoka. Even if Hisoka weren't an empath, he knew Tsuzuki so well anyway. "But Tatsumi does not know when to quit…."

"If you really wanted him to quit, then you would dress properly and eat properly in Tatsumi's presence. It's really that simple."

"That's not fair! You know how I am! This is how I am!" but before he could protest further,

"There she is" Hisoka noticed the girl they had been looking for.

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"But…I never got to tell her" she didn't even fight the tears welling in her dark brown eyes. "I never told her thank you…I never told her how I felt. I can't leave here with her not knowing how…I feel."

Tsuzuki put his hand on the girls' shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze as Hisoka spoke. "You have been friends for a long time. I am sure she knows how much you appreciate her."

She shook her head, "No. You don't understand. We grew apart when she got into University" she stared past Hisoka, looking at her friend, the one she wasn't ready to leave yet, sitting on the bench outside of school. "She made a whole bunch of new friends, smart friends, and I still worked at the store and hung out at the clubs."

"You grew apart" Tsuzuki spoke, Tatsumi's face flashing in front of his mind.

"Yes, but…no. Whenever we saw each other, or we called each other, it was like no time had passed. We could still talk about anything and everything. When I needed her, I always knew that she would come; all I had to do was call. Sometimes, she was there even when I didn't call her at all, just because I needed her. Like she knew or something."

"And you felt you never thanked her for that?"

"No…" she started to grow exasperated. "Of course I thanked her for that. I always thanked her for the big things. But…there were little things she used to do for me…she would give me her barrette when we were out and it was windy to keep the hair out of my face" the girl pulled the clip out of her hair, and stared at it. "Little things like that…I never thanked her for little things like that. Sometimes it would get on my nerves, you know. Like she was treating me like her little sister. And I…" the girl blushed. "…I was in love with her, and here she was treating me like her little sister who was unable to keep her hair out of her face."

Only Hisoka's eyes grew at the girl's declaration. This girl was in love with the other one?

"…but mostly it just made me happy…when she would lean close to me to clip my hair…or whatever. I knew that for that second, she was focused on me. For that second she was close to me. For that second. And I never thanked her for those seconds. Maybe if I had been able to thank her for those seconds, I would have gathered the courage to tell her I loved her. But then…I…now it's too late. And you want me to go now, and I can't go now…I need her to know!"

Hisoka tried to come up with a nice way to say it…and he was surprised when Tsuzuki of all people, bluntly pointed out. "You can't go back. Maybe there are things you should have said, that you didn't. But you can't stay here, because you can't go back." Tsuzuki stepped in front of her. "What you can do is say goodbye, and wish her well, and let her know you're watching over her" he looked down, causing the girl to do so to. She nodded. She would leave the barrette for her friend…her love. "You know how you felt…maybe a part of her will realize it one day. But…"

"I can't go back" the girl's tears fell to the ground. "I should have thanked her."

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You're so mean!

Tatsumi was in a rotten mood the rest of the day because of those three simple, childish words. And he was in the right! So why was it that whenever Tsuzuki would throw his tantrums at Tatsumi, that it was always Tatsumi who stayed in a bad mood the rest of the day. Tsuzuki had probably forgotten all about it by now.

Tatsumi opened the gate which led to his home. Freezing.

Tsuzuki slowly stood from the porch, watching as Tatsumi made his way towards him.

"What is wrong?"

Tsuzuki stared at Tatsumi.

He didn't see Tatsumi nearly as much as he used to since Tatsumi became the secretary. In a way, it was like they had two completely different lives that just intersected sometimes.

Yet, even though his and Tatsumi's lives weren't exactly the same anymore, Tatsumi was often the first one there when Tsuzuki needed him. To help protect him from Muraki, for example. To help him process what had happened with Muraki, for example. It was odd how sometimes Tsuzuki would think of Tatsumi and then open his eyes to find Tatsumi was there.

He thanked Tatsumi for those times. But…

Tatsumi's eyes grew as Tsuzuki flung himself into his arms.

Tsuzuki had never thanked him for the little things.

He never thanked him for wiping his face, or straightening his tie.

There were these little things that Tatsumi would do for him. Sure, sometimes it was annoying. Sometimes it bugged Tsuzuki that Tatsumi treated him like a child

When he wanted Tatsumi to see him as a man.

But the fact was that Tatsumi would do these little things for Tsuzuki, and Tsuzuki wanted him to most of the time. Hisoka knew it, and in saying it aloud, he had forced Tsuzuki to admit it.

And the girl that he and Hisoka helped cross over today just showed Tsuzuki how important these things were.

"Tsuzuki…" Tatsumi continued to sort of struggle.

Half-heartedly.

"We're in public…"

Those little things allowed Tsuzuki to be Tatsumi's focus for a second. Allowed Tsuzuki to be close to Tatsumi for a second.

"Tsuzuki…let go…"

Tsuzuki should thank Tatsumi for those little things. Maybe if he was able to thank him for those little things, he would be able to gather the courage to tell him…

That he loved him.

But Tsuzuki couldn't thank him. Couldn't find the courage. Even though he knew that one day any opportunity might slip away, his fear of a broken heart kept him silent. Tsuzuki tightened his grip around Tatsumi. "You smell nice" he mumbled.

"Thank you?" Tatsumi answered cautiously, not knowing exactly what to say. Tsuzuki must have had a really bad day to be here, hugging him out in public.

Why look a gift horse in the mouth, though. He cleared his throat and returned Tsuzuki's hold.

Nice…and warm…Tsuzuki nuzzeled closer and Tatsumi grew bright red. Fearing that if they stayed this way much longer, he may lose control of his senses completely…

"If you let me go, I will make dinner for you."

"Can I have a desert!" Tsuzuki stared up at Tatsumi, blinking happily, his arms lingering around Tatsumi's waist. He loved Tatsumi's cooking! And his deserts were even better! "I promise to eat nice and slow!"

In all honestly, he didn't mind wiping Tsuzuki's face at all. As much as Tatsumi mumbled about it, he hoped that never came the where Tsuzuki's manners and appearance left Tatsumi with nothing to fix

With no way to touch him.

Because, for those seconds, he allowed himself to outright focus on Tsuzuki. He allowed himself to be close to Tsuzuki for those seconds.

And he never wanted to give those seconds up.

Tatsumi flashed a rare smile. "Eat how you will. We won't be out in public" Tatsumi opened his door and Tsuzuki bound happily in.

And it had been only then that Tsuzuki had released his hold on Tatsumi. Yet, the red in Tatsumi's cheeks stayed for awhile longer.

The racing of his heart stayed even after Tsuzuki headed home.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—Don't own YNM or its characters.

Thanks for the feedback—LaDiDaanFan, LadyBlackCat (I would love to write a lemon…we shall see if I can eventually LOL), Literary Eagle, HighSorcerresDelial, and Miss Kitten (I can't see the link for the page with the fan art, can you e-mail it to me please!)

Happy Friday! Reviews are always appreciated.

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"Why are you in my office?" Tatsumi glared at Tsuzuki.

"I wanted to ask you again…"

"No" Tatsumi left his own office and headed to the central work station.

"But Tatsumi!" Tsuzuki whined, his violet eyes as big as a puppy dog's as he followed Tatsumi. "We've worked really hard! We deserve one extra day off!"

"I don't hear Hisoka complaining" Tatsumi answered calmly, even as he made sure he was not facing Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki's 'puppy dog' almost always broke Tatsumi. He had never known anyone to be able to look so much like a pleading puppy as Tsuzuki. It was uncanny.

And impossible to resist…if you looked at him.

Tsuzuki tried to maneuver his way in front of Tatsumi, but Tatsumi was a lot quicker that he looked. He was able to guess each of Tsuzuki's movements and gracefully move just enough to block each face to face confrontation Tsuzuki had been counting on to help him get his way. "That's because he's scared of you!"

Hisoka almost objected, but Tatsumi was actually a little…okay, rather scary…at times, so Hisoka let Tsuzuki's statement stand.

"Hm" Tatsumi answered, dropping a file off on Tsuzuki's desk before heading back towards his office. Tsuzuki gave up and just watched him go.

"Why is having Friday off so important to you?" Hisoka stood from his chair. "You've been asking to have it off for three days now."

"It's an important day" Tsuzuki answered softly, and Hisoka was slightly taken aback by the seriousness of his mood.

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Hisoka was afraid of him, huh? Tatsumi strode back into his office, shutting the door behind him. What else was new? Tatsumi wasn't surprised, nor did he really care. Everyone was afraid of him at least a little bit, nothing he could do about that. It had always been that way. Knowing that someone could just control

shadows was probably frightening to those who couldn't Tatsumi supposed.

He knew his seriousness didn't help. But someone had to take charge or everything would fall apart. Tatsumi had been taking care of things since he was just a little boy…or a grown man in a little boy's body as one of his teacher's once said about him.

Chief Konoe and Watari told Tatsumi to "lighten up" from time to time.

Perhaps people wouldn't be so afraid of him if he'd lighten up, Chief Konoe pointed out.

Perhaps he would actually have a social life if he'd lightened up, Watari would suggest.

Tsuzuki had his own way of telling Tatsumi to lighten up. Back when they were partners, Tsuzuki used to whine and beg and plead for them to do fun things together when they were off duty.

Instead of just telling Tatsumi to lighten up, it was like Tsuzuki wanted to show him how to.

Tatsumi never admitted it, but it was only Tsuzuki's method that had actually worked, even if only for brief periods of time.

While they were partners, Tatsumi figured it was because he thought that if he just relaxed a little and didn't take everything so seriously then it would make Tsuzuki happy. And Tsuzuki's happiness always was a driving force with Tatsumi.

Once their partnership was broken, Tatsumi realized that was only part of the reason. The other was that Tsuzuki was so determined to make Tatsumi enjoy himself, and Tatsumi was flattered that Tsuzuki went through so much effort.

Tatsumi figured, even as his heart always fell slightly at the thought, that it wasn't because of himself per se, but just Tsuzuki's personality, that made him so driven to bring fun into Tatsumi's life. Tatsumi determined that Tsuzuki was resolved to bring joy to whoever was around him, and if that meant he had to nag Tatsumi into enjoying himself, then so be it.

Tatsumi showed Tsuzuki a side of himself that he never showed anyone else, because he loved him.

And one of the many reasons Tatsumi loved Tsuzuki was because Tsuzuki went out of his way to force Tatsumi to show him those other sides that he kept hidden from everyone else.

A circle of emotions that went round and round…never to go anywhere.

Tatsumi sighed deeply, chastising himself for getting lost in thoughts during work hours. He cleared his throat and began working on the budget from the past six months. He had to have it in accounting by Friday at midnight, and he needed to concentrate.

He needed to be serious.

It was his role in life.

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Thursday Evening

"What Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi asked before Tsuzuki even knocked.

Tsuzuki opened Tatsumi's door. "How did you know I was out there?"

"You have been pacing outside for five minutes now…what?"

Tsuzuki continued staring at the small shadows dancing on Tatsumi's desk. Tatsumi's powers never ceased to amaze Tsuzuki, even after all of these years. It wasn't until Tatsumi realized what had Tsuzuki's attention that he even noticed his shadows had been moving on his own. That happened sometimes; usually when Tatsumi was deeply concentrating on something…and every now and then, when…

Tsuzuki blinked as Tatsumi's shadows moved once more.

…when Tatsumi unconsciously really focused on Tsuzuki. It was like the shadows expressed the joy that Tatsumi wouldn't allow himself too.

Damn it. He quit staring at the oblivious Tsuzuki, and the shadows fell again.

"What?" Tatsumi repeated.

"Your shadows have a life of their own" Tsuzuki answered. "They are interesting to watch."

"Most people say scary."

Tsuzuki looked at Tatsumi as if that was the most idiotic statement in the world. "Why would I be afraid of your shadows? You have used them to save me many times".

Tatsumi blushed slightly at the praise from Tsuzuki. "You exaggerate" he pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.

Tsuzuki found himself, as usual, becoming lost in Tatsumi's blue eyes, and realized he needed to leave quickly before he said something he shouldn't. "I came in to ask if Hisoka and I may have tomorrow off."

Tatsumi sighed deeply. "We've been through this ten times this week. Four of them today alone."

"Yes." Tsuzuki answered, even as his tone said he was wondering what Tatsumi's point was.

"You just will not give up until I say yes, will you?"

"No."

"Fine. Just let me get back to this."

Tsuzuki's grin made his entire face beam. "Thank you Tatsumi!" Tsuzuki bowed respectfully before hurrying out, before Tatsumi changed his mind. The door closed, and Tatsumi took a deep breath.

Tsuzuki's scent lingered

And Tatsumi's shadows stirred.

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Friday Evening

Tatsumi looked at his watch. 7:30 pm. Not so bad. He walked down the block leading to his home. He supposed he could make himself a special dinner to celebrate.

Celebrate alone.

Fun.

Tatsumi opened his door…

"SURPRISE!" came the lone voice in darkness.

Tatsumi turned on the light to see Tsuzuki standing there.

"What are you doing here?"

"It's your birthday" Tsuzuki answered as Tatsumi looked around his decorated living room. "I wanted to bake you a cake, but Watari said that was a bad idea. I asked why…" Tsuzuki came closer to Tatsumi. "…and Hisoka said because my cooking is awful…"

Tatsumi looked at Tsuzuki as he put a paper crown on his head.

"….king for a day!"

Tatsumi stared at Tsuzuki in silence.

"…or King for two and a half more hours really…Watari brought a cake over, and Hisoka helped me a bit with decorations and they both say happy birthday. They would have stayed…but I know you don't like parties."

Tatsumi took off his crown, moving past Tsuzuki and going over to the cake that Watari brought. Tsuzuki's smile faded, and he wondered if he made a mistake. Tatsumi never celebrated his birthday…it took Tsuzuki forever even to find out when his birthday was. But Tsuzuki figured even Tatsumi wanted someone to notice his special day. He had been hoping that Tatsumi wouldn't have minded celebrating with just him. But maybe he should have done what both Hisoka and Watari said and left it alone.

Tsuzuki had done just that before…but this year Tsuzuki had decided to take a chance and try celebrating the day of the birth of the man he loved, with that man instead of by himself at a bar like he usually did.

But maybe he should have done what both Watari and Hisoka advised and left it all alone…

"I would have eaten your cake" Tatsumi stated quietly and Tsuzuki beamed once more.

"Tatsumi likes my cooking!"

No, but he would have eaten it anyway. Tatsumi took a quiet breath, trying to control his emotions. But he had to know…"Is this why you wanted the day off?"

"I had to pick up my copy of your key from the locksmith…"

"Which is why you were in my office…" Tatsumi turned around to face Tsuzuki. "You took my house key."

"Actually I replaced it, I had taken it that morning. And I had to buy the decorations, and I thought I had to bake the cake….oh…and I had to take your present to be wrapped…." Tsuzuki almost told Tatsumi how early he woke up to make sure that everything was ready on time, but the last thing Tsuzuki needed was Tatsumi to realize that he was actually capable of being somewhere early.

"You did all of that for me?"

"It's your birthday. It's a special day." Tsuzuki answered, once again looking at Tatsumi like he was idiotic for even having to ask. "What do you want to do first?"

Kiss you, Tatsumi answered in his own head.

Tsuzuki laughed as Tatsumi's shadows floated in a spiral momentarily. "They are wishing you a happy birthday too!"

Damn it.

Tatsumi looked at the cake again so as to gain more control. His shadows stopped and he decided, "We cannot eat cake before we eat dinner."

Tsuzuki pouted…he had been wanting to have some of that cake since Watari brought it over….but today was about what Tatsumi wanted. He came closer, taking the crown from Tatsumi's hand and placing it back on his head.

"Tsuzuki…"

"You must wear the crown" Tsuzuki whined and Tatsumi looked at him once more.

"Fine. But no pictures."

"I wouldn't dream of it" Tsuzuki agreed. "Tatsumi…" his voice lowered as Tatsumi wrapped his arms around him.

Tatsumi had planned to give Tsuzuki a quick hug, realizing doing that in and of itself was somewhat out of character. But right now Tatsumi didn't care. This was Tsuzuki, and Tatsumi loved him, and it was okay to show a different side of himself with Tsuzuki because of that.

Besides, all week he had been dreading his birthday, knowing that the day mattered to no-one.

Yet, it had mattered to Tsuzuki. The least Tatsumi could do was give him a hug.

It was supposed to be a quick hug.

Tsuzuki tightened his hold on Tatsumi, pulling him so close, that a part of him wondered if Tatsumi could feel his heart racing against his chest. The other part of him not caring. The man he loved had initiated a hug.

It was Tatsumi's birthday…yet Tsuzuki felt like he was given the gift.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—I only own my destiny (and truthfully that seems to be shared with my boss, my boyfriend, and family). None of us have any claim to YNM or its characters however…

Thanks for the feedback—Literary Eagle and LaDiDaanFan!

Reviews are always appreciated.

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Tsuzuki finished his tea and set his cup down with a satisfied sigh. "The blossoms are blooming nicely" he noted to his companion.

"When have you known them not to?" Tatsumi shrugged, sipping his half-finished tea. Tsuzuki even drank his tea too quickly…but no one else was here watching them so Tatsumi kept that chastise to himself.

Tsuzuki laid down on the blanket, putting his arms around his head as he stared up at the sky. He glanced over at Tatsumi, watching him for a moment before looking at the blue horizon once more.

Tatsumi's eyes were much more beautiful.

Tsuzuki was glad that they took time out for late afternoon tea more often. They used to do it all the time when they were partners, and Tatsumi did make himself more available for awhile after the whole Muraki thing…Tsuzuki shuddered as Muraki invaded his thoughts.

"What's wrong?"

"Just thinking" Tsuzuki answered.

Tatsumi stared at the other. He wished that Tsuzuki would even try to confide in him…but he realized that was his own fault. Of course, that was before he finally admitted, albeit only to himself, how in love with Tsuzuki he was. It had been somewhat difficult to keep those emotions inside lately. Ever since Tsuzuki threw him that surprise birthday party, the two spent more and more of their free time together. They had tea whenever possible, they went out to dinner now and again—though usually Tatsumi just invited Tsuzuki, or rather Tsuzuki invited himself, over and cooked for him...going out to dinner was expensive after all.

Tsuzuki had even started asking Tatsumi to join he and Watari for drinks after work whenever they went. Though Tatsumi would never admit to it, Tsuzuki was right; Watari did seem to be a light weight. He always left the two of them alone after two drinks or so. One time, Tatsumi could have sworn that Watari actually smirked at them…like he knew something…but in the end Tatsumi chalked it up to the sake playing tricks on his eyes.

"I have a surprise for you" Tatsumi reached into his pocket.

Tsuzuki leaned up, his violet eyes shining. He loved surprises! "Ooh!" Tsuzuki took the small box of cookies from Tatsumi's hands. "Thank you!"

Tatsumi nodded and placed his cup down. He could hear Tsuzuki tearing the box open…then he could hear Tsuzuki stuffing his face. Tatsumi sighed deeply, but just stared at the sky.

"Mpfth…."

"When you speak with your mouth full, I cannot understand you" Tatsumi glanced in Tsuzuki's direction. Tsuzuki closed his mouth, his eyes following suit as Tatsumi wiped a few crumbs away. As always he blushed from the touch, even as he prayed Tatsumi was thinking it was from embarrassment….

Swallowing, Tsuzuki tried again. "Here."

Tatsumi eyed the last cookie. "I may have it?"

"Yes."

Tatsumi smiled briefly. He took it, broke it in half and popped one half in Tsuzuki's mouth before taking a bite of his piece.

"Mpth...pthmm…mpth…."

"I cannot understand you"Tatsumi reminded Tsuzuki.

This is nice, Tsuzuki repeated to himself.

"The blossoms are beautiful" Tsuzuki stated aloud.

"Hm" Tatsumi nodded, biting another piece of his cookie.

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Hisoka looked at Watari, and before Watari even had a chance to tell him to do so, Hisoka turned on his heels, heading back the way they came. Watari looked at Tatsumi and Tsuzuki for a moment before following Hisoka. As they had gotten into the habit of doing whenever they saw Tsuzuki and Tatsumi together, they would have their tea elsewhere.

Perhaps he should give up on his sex-changing potion for a bit and work on a love potion to make those two speed up the process of what was obviously happening. At least obvious to him. But he didn't have another 100 years to be wasting on those two snails.

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Tatsumi walked past Watari's lab. He knocked, peaking in.

"I'm so glad you're here…would you like to be…"

"No" Tatsumi answered before Watari could finish asking. He was no guinea pig. "I just dropped by to let you know I approved your expenses."

"Great! More funding. So what about Tsuzuki?"

"Most were denied as usual. He thinks that he can slip in a spa or bar in with a whole bunch of other notices, and I won't pay any attention. When will he learn?"

Watari watched Tatsumi "Hm"

"You have been smirking a lot lately."

Watari's smile grew. "I do not know what you mean. Are you headed home?"

"Yes" Sometimes Watari was aggravating.

"I'll see you on Monday then" Watari chuckled.

"What?"

"Step outside your box." Watari went over to the door, closing it on Tatsumi. What the hell did that mean? Tatsumi stared at the door a minute and then headed back upstairs. As soon as he opened the door to the main floor, he found Tsuzuki waiting for him.

"I only got back half of what I asked for!"

"Hisoka received all he asked for" Tatsumi nodded, breezing out the door.

"I know!" Tsuzuki ran, catching up with him. "Why is that?"

"Because Hisoka's expenses are legitimate, while you are way too frivolous."

"But…" Tsuzuki whined. "I really needed to go to that spa."

"Why?" Tatsumi asked. He made the mistake of turning to look at Tsuzuki and was almost blinded by cuteness at Tsuzuki's full on 'puppy look'. "We will cover the spa" Tatsumi mumbled and Tsuzuki smiled, suddenly back to normal.

"Thank you" he began walking by Tatsumi's side.

Tatsumi didn't even bother to ask why. Obviously Tsuzuki was inviting himself over for dinner.

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"So good." Tsuzuki patted his full stomach, closing his eyes.

"Thank you" Tatsumi stood, taking his and Tsuzuki's plates into the kitchen. Tsuzuki sat for a moment and then stood. He should probably offer to clean…he wandered around the living room. Next time.

Tsuzuki found himself going down the hall. Though they were spending more time together, it still had been awhile since he went into Tatsumi's bedroom. He wondered if it was as clean as the last time…of course it was he noted as he looked at the sterile room. One could probably have a surgery in this room it was so spotless.

Tsuzuki moved from the doorway, walking inside.

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Tatsumi left the kitchen to find the dining room empty…as well as the living room. Tsuzuki's shoes were still here, so he had to be somewhere. Tatsumi walked down the hall, and stopped as he saw Tsuzuki in his room.

Sitting on his bed.

As inviting as the vision looked, right now Tatsumi's anger was forefront. "Who told you that you could come in here?" Now he would have to make his bed all over again…

Not to mention the fact that Tsuzuki's scent lingered in the room now. Tatsumi would never be able to have a peaceful night's sleep with…

"I thought you would throw it away." Tsuzuki asked quietly, and it was only then that Tatsumi noticed the framed picture Tsuzuki was holding. Tsuzuki had taken it himself during Tatsumi's birthday, after he had told Tatsumi that there would be no pictures. But he couldn't resist the chance to be 'forced' to lean in so close to Tatsumi as required for him to take the picture of both of them at the same time.

Tatsumi snatched the picture of Tsuzuki leaning against his shoulder and placed it face down on the desk. He had to stay focused on his anger, and maybe Tsuzuki would run away in fear before he started wondering why that picture was on nightstand. "I definitely did not give you permission to go through my things!" he snapped.

"Why did you keep it?" Tsuzuki asked, wondering if maybe…just maybe…

Tatsumi didn't answer, as, as sometimes happened around Tsuzuki, how quick mind was unable with a viable excuse. It was so unlike him to have personal items, and he was worried of what Tsuzuki might be thinking.

"Tatsumi?"

"It is a nice enough photo, so I kept it" Tatsumi finally answered. "You may have it if you…"

"My copy is in my room too." Tsuzuki admitted, the statement causing Tatsumi to look at Tsuzuki.

"Why do you have one?"

"I asked first" the teasing words came out straight and calm however and Tatsumi knew that Tsuzuki would not be budged until he felt he had a satisfactory answer. An answer Tatsumi wasn't about to give.

The two men stared at each other, neither of them budging. Finally, Tatsumi sighed deeply and left the bedroom. After a moment Tsuzuki followed; he found Tatsumi staring out the window next to the door.

"What were you thinking of today?" Tatsumi glanced at Tsuzuki before looking out the window once more.

Tatsumi moved until he was standing next to Tatsumi. "When?"

"When we were having tea"

That seemed to be an odd question to Tsuzuki, but he thought back. "The tea was yummy."

"Not then"

"Umm…the flowers were pretty?"

Tatsumi sighed and suddenly Tsuzuki realized what he was asking. He stared out the window, whispering finally, "Muraki…I just started thinking of Muraki. I wonder when that will stop."

"I…" Once more Tatsumi found himself at a loss for words. "…don't know. However, you may talk about it with me…sometimes…"

"Sometimes?" Tsuzuki smiled that beautiful smile. "Don't you worry!" he answered, "I know that you don't like it when I'm upset and I have Hisoka to…." Tsuzuki's eyes fluttered closed as he suddenly found Tatsumi's lips on his. It only took a moment for the shock to leave him, but it had only taken a moment before Tatsumi had pulled away.

"I…"

"I like the photo, and that is why I kept it" Tatsumi opened his front door. "Make sure you're on time tomorrow"

"But…"

Tatsumi started down the hall, Tsuzuki staring after him. He debated…but…it was only a kiss. Like a kiss between friends. No big deal.

Tsuzuki touched his mouth, leaving Tatsumi's place and closing the door behind him.

The taste of him lingered…more wonderful than any of the sweets that Tsuzuki had ever had.

But it was just a kiss…a quick kiss…and it was Tatsumi…it couldn't actually 'mean' something.

Tsuzuki stopped at the corner, turning around, part of him wanting to go running back, to ask Tatsumi if…

No…it was just a quick, simple kiss.

Nothing more….Tsuzuki ran his fingers across his lips again.

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The door had closed. Tsuzuki had left. Tatsumi opened his eyes, grabbing the picture and looking at it.

That was uncharacteristic, 'outside the box' as Watari would say.

But Tatsumi hadn't wanted to hear Tsuzuki speak of sharing his thoughts with Hisoka at that moment, and he didn't have any deserts in his pocket.

So outside the box he went to do something that he was sure would shut Tsuzuki up.

Just because Tatsumi had wanted to kiss those soft lips of Tsuzuki's for years was beside the point…Tatsumi sighed, even as a smile lightened his eyes. Those lips were almost like silk…he could have kissed them for days, maybe months. Yet, he had to pull away before Tsuzuki had a chance to realize what was happening. While he still had a chance of backpedaling under the guise of Tsuzuki making too much out of just one simple moment.

That is what he would tell Tsuzuki if he ever brought it up, even as he doubted Tsuzuki would. Do not make such a big deal out of one simple moment.

And maybe in another hundred years or so he would step outside that box, and kiss Tsuzuki again. Until then, he'd knew that he'd be dreaming have to about that one so-called 'simple' moment.

For days…maybe months.

A/N—I needed Tatsumi to step out the box so to speak to move it a bit forward (I just really wanted Tatsumi to be the one to initiate a kiss first; as 'simple' a moment as it may have been).


	5. Chapter 5

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—I only own bitterness at a postponed vacation. But I do not own YNM.

Thanks very very much for the feedback—LaDiDaanFan, Literary Eagle, Kotilo, Kanilla, TeeDee, and CrescentStrada!

Dreams are (hopefully) in italics. Reviews are always appreciated.

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Tsuzuki's breath caught as he slept, his mind remembering the softness of Tatsumi's lips against his.

Yet, as he slumbered…

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…_Tatsumi didn't pull away this time. This time, Tsuzuki was able to return his kiss, wrapping his arms around his waist as he pulled Tatsumi closer. Their bodies touched, sending a shock through Tsuzuki that caused him to shudder. Tatsumi fingers traveled up Tsuzuki's back, brushing against his hair. _

_Tsuzuki heard a small moan, but he couldn't tell if it was his own, or Tatsumi's. He tilted his head slightly for a better angle, and opened his mouth further, instantly deepening their kiss. They kissed slowly, taking their time exploring each other's mouth…_

…_even as their hands worked quickly. Tatsumi ripped the buttons of Tsuzuki's shirt while Tsuzuki pulled Tatsumi's from his body._

"_Wait…" Tatsumi finally broke the kiss. "Wait…" he breathed._

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Tsuzuki cut his eyes. Even in dreams, Tatsumi was the cautious one.

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_Tsuzuki stared at Tatsumi, his eyes darkened in passion. Tatsumi blinked as Tsuzuki reached up, taking his glasses off so he could stare into them as he confessed, "I love you."_

"_Don't say things like that."_

"_Why? It's true."_

"_Yes, but what if I can't accept it? What if all I want from you is…" Tatsumi finished his thought by kissing Tsuzuki again, passionately this time. Before Tsuzuki had a chance to think, Tatsumi pulled away, nuzzling against his neck. Tsuzuki gasped as Tatsumi sucked the skin. _

"…_but, I love you…I want to be with you…forever." This time Tsuzuki forced himself away._

"_Forever is a long time" Tatsumi stepped closer. "Especially for us."_

"_I know." Tsuzuki held his ground, even as his heart raced when Tatsumi arched his brow. What would he say now?_

"_Hm" was his only answer before kissing Tsuzuki again. In a moment, Tsuzuki found himself on the floor, Tatsumi on top of him. They kissed awhile longer before Tatsumi broke away, his brown hair falling forward as he looked down into Tsuzuki's eyes. "Forever?"_

"_Forever." Tsuzuki promised. He ran his fingers across Tatsumi's brow. "What about you?" he asked._

"_It's your dream. I'll say whatever you want."_

"_Then, tell me you love me."_

"_I love you."_

"_Forever."_

"_Forever" Tatsumi emphasized his statement with a small kiss before shifting down Tsuzuki's body to lay his head against his bare chest. Tsuzuki ran his fingers through the back of Tatsumi's hair. "Can we?" Tatsumi finally asked._

"_Not yet" Tsuzuki decided. He could feel Tatsumi shrug against him and Tsuzuki continued playing with his hair._

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Tsuzuki opened his eyes.

Damn it. Even in his dreams he was unsatisfied, both physically and emotionally, even as he still kept Tatsumi near.

That was the furthest he and Tatsumi had gone in his dreams since that one kiss. Because ever since they actually kissed, Tsuzuki couldn't help but have his dream self have a conversation with Tatsumi about feelings.

Before the kiss, Tsuzuki would sometimes have such wild and fiery dreams about Tatsumi that he would blush just by seeing him the next day. Yet since they actually kissed, they never got that far in Tsuzuki's dreams.

Even though since they kissed, he dreamt of Tatsumi every single night.

Yet, it was just a kiss. One simple kiss between friends. It didn't mean anything to Tatsumi; it couldn't, right?

Then again, it was a kiss. Simple or not, it was a kiss. And it was Tatsumi. Tatsumi who rarely showed any affection of any kind. It had to mean something, right?

On the other hand, Tatsumi hadn't acted any differently since then. The next time they saw each other, Tatsumi merely said hello, warned Tsuzuki about spending too much money, and wished him luck before sending he and Hisoka on a case.

Tatsumi's demeanor had been the same; his words had been the same.

The only difference Tsuzuki could see was that he was so entranced on watching Tatsumi's lips move as he spoke, and being hypnotized by the deep, seductive, yet natural tone of Tatsumi's voice, that he had to have Hisoka repeat almost everything Tatsumi had said.

The difference was with Tsuzuki. That kiss was not simple to Tsuzuki. It was with Tatsumi; and Tsuzuki had been dreaming of it ever since.

In fact, he hadn't had a nightmare about Muraki since that kiss. Maybe Tsuzuki would tell Tatsumi that.

'Ever since you kissed me, I have not had a nightmare. Only dreams of that kiss.'

Tsuzuki sighed deeply. If only he had the courage to be so honest. If only he had the guts to tell Tatsumi that he was in love with him. But…."Huh?" Tsuzuki startled to find Hisoka shaking his shoulder.

"Your dreams are keeping me awake." Hisoka complained.

"I was not dreaming….I was thinking…"

"Of Tatsumi, yes, I know."

"Hey! Stop reading into my thoughts! I mean…I was not…"

Hisoka shook his head. "Baka. I wasn't reading anything. It's obvious to everyone that you like Tatsumi. Except for Tatsumi. He is probably denser than you when it comes to matters of the heart."

"I…" Tsuzuki began…"…don't know what to do" Tsuzuki closed his eyes, giving up trying to deny his feelings to Hisoka. "I don't know what to say, or how to say it, or if I should say it at all."

"Well…what or how I don't know. But I do think you should say it…whatever it is. What is it?" Hisoka leaned in, a part of him wondering if he had been hanging around Watari too much. Since when had he become so nosy?

Tsuzuki shrugged. "Just….that he's it."

"It?"

"It. The one."

"Oh…" Hisoka went back to his own bed and laid down. "Blech. Sappy." he added, even though he was grateful to hear first hand what Tsuzuki was feeling. After the whole Muraki deal, Hisoka had wondered if Tsuzuki would shut off his emotions as he tried to rebuild his after life. Hisoka wondered even more if they could have the same relationship as before. If Tsuzuki would lean on him like Hisoka allowed himself to lean on Tsuzuki.

It took some quiet months. And it took Tatsumi to help Tsuzuki bring him out of his shell bit by bit. But Tsuzuki soon was sharing with Hisoka like he used to…to the point that sometimes Hisoka asked him to shut up for an hour or so.

Yet, in the end, whenever Tsuzuki would let Hisoka into his thoughts, Hisoka was reminded of just how special their relationship was.

When it came to work partners, they were the perfect fit. As for romance partners, "You should tell Tatsumi how you feel."

"Really?" Tsuzuki turned and looked at Hisoka, his violet eyes full of more questions.

What would Tatsumi say?

Would Tatsumi reject him?

Would Tsuzuki be able to stand it if Tatsumi rejected him?

What if Tatsumi wasn't interested in being 'the one', even if he was okay with being, 'a one'. What would Tsuzuki do then?

What…

Would…

What if….

"Hai. You should tell him before the moment has passed." Hisoka closed his own eyes. "Your feelings for him probably won't change, given they've been going on since the day your partnered up I would bet."

Tsuzuki stood from his bed and went over to the window.

"But the opportunity to tell him may not always be there. You should tell him or else you'll regret it. And I will have to hear you whine about it forever."

"But…"

"Enough." Hisoka waved his hand dismissively. "I'm going back to sleep."

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Tatsumi stared out his window.

Pretending everything was normal….

…when all he wanted to do was run to Tsuzuki, kiss him again this time to the point of leaving them both breathless, and then whisper that he loved him.

That had to be one of the hardest things he ever did.

There was ending his partnership with Tsuzuki….

While he thought it was the best thing to do at the time, he knew now that he basically just shot himself in the heart with that action. By trying to keep Tsuzuki's feelings and sadness about everything at bay, Tatsumi had only ended his own chance to allow his feelings for Tsuzuki to develop into something that could be reciprocated. Ending his partnership hadn't stopped Tatsumi from caring about Tsuzuki at all…it just distanced Tsuzuki from him, and that broke his heart.

There was encouraging Hisoka to be the one that took care of Tsuzuki….

That move tore his heart from his chest. Tatsumi and Tsuzuki had spent the whole day together, reminiscing on old times, only for Tatsumi to realize that Hisoka was going to be the one from now on. Because Tatsumi had encouraged it. Sure, it was right for both Tsuzuki and Hisoka, and helped cement their bond as partners and friends…but Tatsumi couldn't help but be jealous. Couldn't help but wish it could be him.

There was his debating whether to let Tsuzuki end his own after life….

That moment stomped on Tatsumi's heart. Tsuzuki had been in so much pain throughout both of his lives that Tatsumi did wonder if he would be doing a favor to grant Tsuzuki his wish to just end it all. Even as Tatsumi knew his own life would be over if he couldn't look at Tsuzuki any more. Couldn't hear him anymore. Couldn't smell him anymore. In the end, Tatsumi wasn't ready to let Tsuzuki go, and he wondered if Tsuzuki would ever forgive him. Forgive him for hesitating. Forgive him for saving him.

Tsuzuki forgave both.

And Tatsumi's heart mended.

Now he and Tsuzuki were growing close again. They were the closest they had been since Tatsumi ended their partnership. And for a reason that Tatsumi had yet to fully understand in his own head, he actually kissed Tsuzuki the last time they had been alone.

Just long enough to distract him from speaking of Hisoka.

Just long enough to stop him from asking more questions about their picture on Tatsumi's bedside.

Just long enough to stop himself from telling Tsuzuki how much he loved him.

Just long enough that Tatsumi's evenings were spent dreaming of that kiss, until his imagination spiraled it into other things he longed to do with Tsuzuki.

Just long enough to make his heart overflow.

And then, the next time they saw each other, he had to pretend that none of it mattered. That the kiss wasn't even worth acting differently about.

And now Tatsumi felt he needed to hide that his heart was yearning so much for Tsuzuki, who would always be the love of either of Tatsumi's lives that he was sure that it would only be a matter of time before the strain caused it to shatter into a million pieces.

Tatsumi focused his blue eyes to the stars. "May your evening be peaceful" he whispered…

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….before closing the shades. Tsuzuki turned away from the window, climbing into his hotel bed.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—I only own a block on how to end the next chapter of another story I am writing which is why I am going ahead and updating this one first. I do not own anything YNM related.

Thanks for the feedback—TeeDee, Kanilla, Daily, and Kotilo!

Reviews are always appreciated.

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What the hell had happened! Tatsumi wondered, his eyes cutting behind his glasses.

Things were fine before Tsuzuki and Hisoka went on that latest case. They had been gone for a few weeks, and now Tsuzuki wouldn't look at Tatsumi for more than a nano-second. Now Tsuzuki stopped having tea with Tatsumi. Now Tsuzuki stopped coming over to Tatsumi's.

At first, Tatsumi chalked it up to the guilt Tsuzuki normally felt when having to take a human life. Then Tatsumi wondered if their small kiss had affected Tsuzuki more than he let on before he left on the case. But today had shaken both of those thoughts from Tatsumi's mind.

Tatsumi came in with a fresh batch of home-made cup cakes. Chocolate no less. And Tsuzuki actually had the nerve to mumble 'no thanks' before refusing one.

Tsuzuki!

Cupcakes!

Refusal!

Something had to be going on. And it didn't have anything to do with the case, and it didn't have anything to do with that kiss, Tatsumi was sure. A case and a kiss couldn't get Tsuzuki to refuse sweets.

Something was going on, and Tsuzuki wasn't sharing it with Tatsumi. And that made Tatsumi…

Tatsumi's office darkened behind his chair as his shadows started to swirl. He got up from his office chair and slammed the door shut.

"Scary." Konoe stated. "The budget must be in a mess…" He wondered where Tatsumi would be making cuts now…

Hisoka glanced over at Tsuzuki, who was now staring at the closed door separating him and Tatsumi. Ever since they got back, Tatsumi barely looked at Tatsumi. They didn't have tea. And he went straight to his own place after work.

Not to mention the refused home-made chocolate cupcakes.

Tsuzuki was thisclose to doing something about his feelings for Tatsumi, Hisoka was sure.

Either he was going to force himself to bury them once and for all.

Or he was trying to get up the nerve to admit them.

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Tsuzuki stood from his desk, Hisoka's eyes following.

"Where are you going?"

"I finished my paperwork."

Hisoka looked at his watch. "But it's not due for another 2 hours yet. Are you sure that you're finished?"

"You finished yours yesterday." Tsuzuki pointed out, giving Hisoka a small smile.

"Yes, but…this is you…and you're always late."

Tsuzuki shrugged. "Maybe I'm changing…" he looked down as Hisoka took his hand.

"Sit."

Tsuzuki sighed, but did as told…as always.

"You're going to slip back into your old ways eventually. I'm all for putting your best foot forward…especially when it comes to…" Hisoka slightly motioned towards Tatsumi's still closed door before leaning closer to Tsuzuki to make sure prying ears weren't listening. "Because he's frightening…"

"No, he's not!" Tsuzuki automatically defended Tatsumi.

"You're not scared of him at all?"

Tsuzuki noticed others staring at him and lowered his voice once more. "Not…well, sometimes. But in general, no. You just don't know him…"

"No one knows him. Except for you. With all of your many, many, many faults."

"Hey!"

Hisoka groaned and gave up trying to have privacy in the office. He stood from his chair, ignoring Tsuzuki as he called out, asking Hisoka where he was going. He walked down the hall, leaning up against the wall, his eyes closed as he waited.

A couple of minutes passed, and Hisoka could hear footsteps. "…you're the only one that he's taken the time to get to really really know."

Tsuzuki froze before finishing the walk towards Hisoka. "He and Watari get along fine…"

"Yes, they do. But it's not the same and you know it. He scares you, but only sometimes. I can't imagine anyone else saying that. And despite all of your…"

"Yes, I know many many…"

"Right. Despite all of that, you and he have a friendship. Pretending to be someone you aren't, just to impress Tatsumi might do that briefly. But eventually, he's going to think you're up to something. He'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop." Hisoka opened his eyes. "Are you going to drop it, or leave him wondering what's going on?"

"I…haven't decided yet."

"Yet, but you're close."

"Stop reading…"

"Not reading anything." Hisoka rolled his eyes in annoyance. "But either way, impressing Tatsumi with some changes will only get you so far. Sure, little things might help, but changing yourself completely won't get him to like you in that way if he doesn't already. Now for me, I have many habits I'd like you to break so that you don't bug me as much…I can list them if you like." Hisoka finished and walked down the hall.

Tsuzuki let him go ahead and then went back as well. He picked up his finished paperwork and walked over to Tatsumi's office. He had finished it; he should at least turn it in early and get some sort of brownie points.

His stomach growled as the thought of brownies filled his head.

He really had wanted that cupcake. But it would have been rude to just snatch them without properly thanking the baker. And Tatsumi was so handsome today. Even a brief glance at him when he first strolled into the office sent Tsuzuki's heart into a whirl. He wouldn't be able to actually look at Tatsumi without turning into a big pile of mushy goo, Tsuzuki was sure of it.

Maybe he would slip the report under Tatsumi's door…

No. He couldn't avoid Tatsumi forever. He had to decide one way or the other.

Tsuzuki took a deep breath and realized that his decision was already made. He knocked on Tatsumi's door. No answer. He knocked again. No answer. He opened it slowly, and peaked inside.

No briefcase, no jacket on the back of his chair…

No Tatsumi.

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Tatsumi put the bucket on the kitchen floor, kneeling down beside of it. His gloved hand put the clean sponge into the soap water and a second later he began scrubbing the already spotless floor.

He was sick of this.

Sick of his emotions being a slave to Tsuzuki's moods.

Sick of being brought back to reality whenever Tsuzuki got over whatever it was that he got over, and went back to treating Tatsumi as an afterthought than the friend that Tatsumi had begun to believe they truly were.

Tatsumi knew he wasn't being fair really. He knew that Tsuzuki and he were friends. He knew that Tsuzuki cared. Tsuzuki did show him that.

But Tatsumi also knew that he wasn't one the same priority level as Tsuzuki's other friends.

Obviously.

They would get close; Tatsumi would allow himself to really enjoy the connection they had, only for Tsuzuki to one day to pull away for some reason.

Tatsumi was tired of it. He obviously couldn't give Tsuzuki what he needed long enough to keep him close for an extended period of time. And at this point, Tatsumi knew his heart couldn't take any more rejection—real or imagined.

Tatsumi whipped off his glasses and tossed them into the other room.

"Give" he whispered to himself.

He gave up. He was done.

He wasn't doing this anymore, no matter what happened. Tsuzuki needed to be placed in a compartment of Tatsumi's heart that Tatsumi knew was there, but avoided anyway.

Tatsumi got up from the floor at the sound of his doorbell. He pulled his gloves off, placing them on the counter, drying his hands before walking into the living room. The doorbell rang again just as Tatsumi placed his hand on the knob. He opened it.

"You're home very early. Are you okay?" Tsuzuki immediately reached up in worry, feeling Tatsumi's forehead for a possible fever. Violet became lost in the blue, but his concern overrode his lust.

"I'm fine" Tatsumi answered, his voice flat. Blue refused to get caught up in the violet and he pulled Tsuzuki's hand from his head. "Stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

Making me feel that connection I'm trying to avoid, Tatsumi answered to himself. "What are you doing here?" he asked aloud.

"I finished my paperwork early…" Tsuzuki paused, waiting for a slightly sarcastic remark from Tatsumi. Tatsumi looked at Tsuzuki and said nothing as he turned, leaving the doorway. Tsuzuki followed Tatsumi inside, leaving his shoes at the door and shutting it. "…and I went to turn it in, but you were gone."

"I have an 'in-box' for a reason." Tatsumi knelt down on the kitchen floor again.

"I know that…I just…you never take time off. So when I asked Chief Konoe where you were and he said you took the rest of the day off, I figured something had to be wrong."

"I needed to clean."

Tsuzuki looked around at the spotless place. "Where?" Tatsumi glared up at Tsuzuki. "I mean, I know you're kind of obsessed with that sort of thing, but for you to take even part of the day off just to clean a place as sanitary as yours…"

"That's what I did though. So as you can see, I'm fine. Just busy" Tatsumi continued to wash the floor.

Tsuzuki stood at the end of the other room, placing his hands in his pockets. Maybe this was a bad time…

But when would be a good time?

He looked down at the floor, Tatsumi's eyeglasses catching his attention. Bending, he picked them up. "There they are. So if you're not sick and obviously not sleeping, then you've been thinking."

Tatsumi groaned. "What?"

"The only times you take your glasses off are when you are not feeling well, when you're sleeping, or if you're thinking very deeply about something. What's on your mind?"

"What part of busy don't you understand?"

"Did…are you mad at me?"

Tatsumi shook his head to himself. He stood, putting the sponge into the water. Walking over to Tsuzuki he took his glasses, putting them back on. "That is quite an ironic question coming from you."

"Ironic? Why would it be ironic?"

"I'm not the one who has been avoiding the other like the plague."

"Oh. Yeah." Tsuzuki ran his fingers through his dark locks. "I had something on my mind."

"I didn't ask for an explanation. I was just making an observation."

"So you are angry at me."

"I never said I was angry at you; but if I were, I would have a damn good reason to be."

Tsuzuki bit his bottom lip. "I hate it when you're angry at me. I hate it when I disappoint you. I just…it hurts."

Tatsumi crossed his arms in front of himself to stop himself from reaching out and holding Tsuzuki. He wanted to tell Tsuzuki that everything would be okay, and that he shouldn't hurt over him. But less that five minutes ago, Tatsumi had promised himself that he was done being on this roller coaster ride of emotions Tsuzuki brought out.

No matter what Tsuzuki said or did, Tatsumi had sworn to himself.

Tatsumi didn't notice his eyes had started to tear until his vision became blurry. He dropped his arms to push his glasses up on the bridge of his nose, and forced himself not to say anything.

"I hate it…I'm sorry that I made you angry."

"I never said I was angry. However your apology is accepted. I really should get back to…" Tatsumi stopped speaking as Tsuzuki suddenly was suddenly in his arms.

"It hurts so much when you're mad at me."

Automatically Tatsumi returned Tsuzuki's hug.

But he told himself not to get caught up in the moment.

"You smell nice." Tsuzuki noted as he buried his face against Tatsumi's chest, not caring that his newly formed tears might ruin the shirt.

"So you've said before." Tatsumi reached up with one hand and wrapped his fingers into the back of Tsuzuki's hair.

But he told himself not to get caught up in the moment.

"Seiichiro?" Tsuzuki tightened his grip around Tatsumi's waist.

Tatsumi stopped breathing. Tsuzuki had used his given name. The last time he heard Tsuzuki use his given name was one week ago, during a dream, as Tsuzuki called it out in the throes of passion. Hearing it now, in reality however, in that soft, whispered tone Tsuzuki had…

No.

He told himself not to get caught up in the moment.

Tsuzuki took a deep breath. "I…I love you". Tatsumi took a startled breath and Tsuzuki moved away to look up into Tatsumi's face. "I realize you might…probably don't feel the same, but I needed to tell you…"

"Stop it." Tatsumi shook his head and stepped away from Tsuzuki.

Telling himself not to get caught in the moment.

Tsuzuki nodded, his heart falling into the pit of his stomach. Even as a part of him was expecting a rejection, he had been praying, hoping that Tatsumi would feel the same. Yet, it wasn't to be. They could stay friends though, Tsuzuki was sure of it. He wanted it. He just…"I won't say it again."

"You shouldn't. I hate it when people lie to me."

"What!"

"You don't love me, Tsuzuki. You might think you do today, but you don't." Tatsumi said, primarily to himself. He couldn't allow himself to think that Tsuzuki really loved him. Because eventually Tsuzuki would pull away.

Neither life, nor the afterlife, had been good enough to Tatsumi for him to believe that he would get a happily-ever-after with the man he loved with every inch of his heart.

Of his soul.

"I do have feelings, you know. So you need to be more aware of your ability to play with them." Tatsumi prided himself on managing to keep his voice calm.

Yet, the calmness only fueled Tsuzuki's growing anger. "You're a coward!" he spat out the first thing to his mind.

"Pardon me?" Tatsumi's voice lowered.

"If you don't want to be with me, then just own it, and say so! Don't turn it around on me again!" Tatsumi's earlier rejections came flooding back to Tsuzuki and this time Tsuzuki didn't bury them. "According to you, it was my fault that we stopped being partners, even though you were the one who couldn't handle it! You are the one who is nice to me one moment, and then cruel the next! I never know what to expect from you, yet I love you anyway. So don't you dare tell me I don't love you! I've loved you longer than you will ever know!"

"And the irony continues." Tatsumi rolled his eyes and headed back towards the kitchen.

"My…you…what the hell does that mean!"

"It means that you now act like you give a damn that we aren't partners, when you were the one who pretty much stopped talking to me!" Tatsumi whirled around. "It means that your affections blow hot and cold based on anything from whoever happens to be around at the moment, to who has the best sweets in his pockets! And it means that I am the one who…" Tatsumi cleared his throat. He wouldn't tell Tsuzuki he loved him. What would be the point? "…will finish this idiotic conversation. Get out."

"You're such a…sometimes, I hate you." Tsuzuki whispered, hoping that Tatsumi could feel even an 1/8th of the pain Tsuzuki was right now.

He knew it was childish…but why couldn't Tatsumi tell how much his words and actions effected Tsuzuki's moods. When they were good, Tsuzuki was the happiest he could ever be. When Tatsumi was there and things were bad, Tsuzuki felt the safest he ever would.

Yet when Tatsumi reminded Tsuzuki of just how cold he could be, Tsuzuki would literally feel frozen inside. Nothing but icy, stinging, pain.

While he didn't hate Tatsumi, and never could hate Tatsumi, he did hate that Tatsumi could be so clueless as to how he made Tsuzuki feel.

"And just a second ago you loved me longer than I will ever know. And you wonder why I don't believe you?"

"I don't care whether you believe me or not anymore! Because this is not about me! It's about you! You treat me like a kid at times, but at least I'm man enough to say what I feel!" Tsuzuki didn't even flinch as the room darkened with Tatsumi's shadows as his jaw twitched. He stared at Tatsumi a second longer, and then bolted out of the apartment.

Tatsumi felt himself moving, and thought for a second that his shadows were actually pushing him towards the door. But that would be ridiculous. Tatsumi was in control of the shadows, not the other way around.

Besides, he refused to get caught up in the moment.

He had done the right thing in not believing Tsuzuki's alleged feelings. He had done the right thing in keeping his own thoughts of love to himself. He had done the right thing in not letting himself get caught in the emotions.

Tatsumi dropped to the ground.

Wondering why, if he was in the right, was he breaking down into sobs.

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Please be behind, please be behind…

Tsuzuki turned around, his heart breaking further at the empty sidewalk.

Tatsumi hadn't followed.

Tatsumi didn't care.

Tsuzuki picked up the pace, running as his tears flew.

(A/N—I guess I should call this a 'mis-step' chapter. You know the whole, steps forwards, steps backwards. I don't like my pairings to come without some inner angst LOL—I think it usually makes the payoff more worth it. Tatsumi seems to me to be wary of believing in real love, and Tsuzuki is very emotional and reactionary at times IMO so this is the angst I've given for now.)


	7. Chapter 7

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—I only own my sincere apologies for taking so long to update. And a new pair of boots. I do not own anything YNM related.

Thanks for the feedback; I'm really overwhelmed! Thank you!—LaDiDaanFan, Lady Black Cat (hey, stop yelling at my Tatsumi g), Kotilo (yes, they will be a couple one day, I promise), Literary Eagle, Kanilla (hey, no hitting my Tatsumi either g), Daily, HighSorcerresDelial, Th3O3vrObs3ssion, misskittin, siltear, Jamc, chidori and icu!

Thank you thank you thank you! Reviews are always appreciated.

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Tatsumi stared out the living room window. His place was completely dark, his shadows taking away any of the light that normally streamed through from outside.

Taking another gulp of wine, watching as a flash of lightening went through the sky. A few seconds later, it began raining, hard. When he was a little boy, his mom used to say that rain was the result of God crying.

He always hated the rain, probably for that very reason.

But given the emptiness he felt right now, the weather seemed rather appropriate.

If only he could figure Tsuzuki out. What Tsuzuki said tonight took things to a whole new level, and that was what confused Tatsumi the most. It wasn't as if they had never had this push/pull kind of relationship before. In fact part of the reason Tatsumi was cursing himself was because it was somewhat normal for them to take some steps closer, only for there to be a long dry spell in that regard for awhile, yet tonight bothered him so much more than those other times.

Why did Tsuzuki say that he loved him?

What could possibly be the reason?

Before Tsuzuki went away on that case only to come back with no words for Tatsumi, he would have accepted what Tsuzuki stated this evening. He would have believed him.

He knew that, because even though he refused to believe Tsuzuki now, Tatsumi still wanted to go to him. To ask Tsuzuki to say it again. To bask in the words and emotions, as phony as they had to be, for as long as Tsuzuki allowed.

How stupid could that be? How much of a hold did Tsuzuki have over him?

Tatsumi sighed, and once again, his shadows tried to push him to the door. Once again, Tatsumi figured that had to be his imagination. He controlled the shadows, not the other way around. And they were supposed to protect him. Why they would send him back to a never ending heart-break would make no sense.

Yet, he seemed closer to the door; and he could swear that he had been moved.

Too much wine, perhaps; since when had he become more of a lightweight than Watari……

And why was he literally right in front of the door now?

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Tsuzuki left his place as the rain began; the sobbing sky fit his mood.

He looked up at the sky, letting a few drops splash on his face before bowing his head to stare at the ground below his feet.

"Happy…happy…happy…" he mumbled bitterly. He would never be truly happy, would he?

Baka.

Bastard.

"Seiichiro" he whispered to his aching heart.

He may be an idiot; he may even be a bastard at times.

But Tsuzuki would give anything in the world for Tatsumi to be his idiot bastard right now.

Forever.

Maybe this was his punishment. For all the lives he took…would take. He was going to have to live the rest of his afterlife alone, working with the love of either of his lives and adoring him from a distance.

Perhaps if Tatsumi had been man enough to just say he wasn't interested, instead of turning it all around on Tsuzuki, he could get over it.

Ha.

Now who was the baka?

He would never get over Tatsumi…

"Are you trying to make yourself sick?"

Tsuzuki slowly looked up, pushing back his soaked raven locks. He stared, wondering if he was having some sort of day dream, even though it was evening. Maybe he was having a real dream…even though he was wide awake.

Tatsumi moved closer. "Why you would want to spend one of your few days off sick in bed is beyond me. Then again, most of what you do is beyond me."

"What are you doing here?" Tsuzuki asked flatly, figuring if he showed how happy he was, then Tatsumi would disappear right before his very eyes.

"I do not know" Tatsumi answered honestly. "I suppose habits are hard to break."

"Habits?"

"You were upset. My first instinct is to see if you are okay."

"First?"

"Yes." Tatsumi stared up at the sky now. "I fight it, but in the end, I always want to see if you are okay."

"Why fight it?"

"Because it does me no good, Asato."

"Caring for me does you no good?" Tsuzuki's voice lowered sadly and Tatsumi looked at him again.

"It's never done me or the person I worry about any good when I care. I…hurt…those I care about, and I…." Tatsumi shook his head.

"You?" Tsuzuki prodded.

To no avail. "No matter. You should go inside before you…"

"I love you." Tsuzuki forced himself to hold his gaze with Tatsumi. Why he would say those words again, Tsuzuki didn't really know…

Aside from the fact that it was true.

Tatsumi was silent for a moment, basking in the warm glow that Tsuzuki's statement brought. However, when he spoke he reminded the other simply. "Did we not just have this argument?" He turned away from Tsuzuki, looking at the dark sky instead of the violet eyes as he added, "I do not think I am in the frame of mind to have it once more."

"Neither am I. I wish you would just be honest with me." Tsuzuki found himself getting aggravated. Tatsumi had that way about him; he could push Tsuzuki's moods one way or the other in the manner of a nano-second.

Only Tatsumi had that way about him, bastard.

"Honest?"

"You do not feel how I do, yet can't say it. I wish you would though as I am not as weak as you seem to think."

"I never thought you were weak!" Tatsumi spun to face Tsuzuki again, wanting to make sure that one thing was clear. "Spoiled, lazy, messy and immature, yes. Weak, no. In fact, I would safely say you are one of the strongest people I have ever known. If I ever gave you reason to doubt that, for that I will apologize" he bowed slightly.

Tsuzuki was taken aback, and did not know quite what to say at that admission. Did not know quite what to do, except…

Tatsumi's eyes closed as Tsuzuki reached out, lifting his chin to lead Tatsumi back up. And the words flowed. "You are stingy, obsessive-compulsive, do not know how to have fun, and you need to lighten up. Yet, you never say what you feel. For someone as strong as you are, that has always befuddled me."

Tatsumi searched Tsuzuki's eyes, looking to him for that push.

That extra push to remember his promise to himself. To not allow himself to be pulled in by Tsuzuki's words and actions.

The irony was not lost on him. He was looking to the very man he felt he needed to let go of, for the strength to be able to let him go.

Yet, he always looked to Tsuzuki to help him through emotional moments.

Tsuzuki's eyes shut as Tatsumi's hand rested against his cheek, and as Tsuzuki naturally nuzzled his face against Tatsumi's palm, he realized that the push would not be coming right now.

Tatsumi bent, brushing his lips across Tsuzuki's. Tsuzuki opened his mouth to him, wrapping his arms around Tatsumi and pulling him to close the remaining space between them.

The kiss soon grew urgent, and Tsuzuki moaned as he suddenly found himself slammed against his front door. Tatsumi cupped Tsuzuki's face with both hands, shivering slightly as their tongues battled for dominance.

Tsuzuki fumbled around until he found the doorknob, opening his door. But…he forced himself away from Tatsumi. Wondering what this meant. Was this physical, was it more…

Would Tatsumi ever say?

"What?" Tatsumi asked breathlessly.

Yet, in his dreams when Tsuzuki brought such things up, he never got an answer. And he never got to make love to Tatsumi either.

"Nothing" he decided, backing inside and yanking Tatsumi in with him.

One out of two was better than nothing.

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Tsuzuki didn't know whether to smile or cry as Tatsumi, resting skin to skin on top of him, leaned forward, his brown hair falling towards Tsuzuki. It was just like his dream.

Only better because they had just been together

And worse because Tatsumi still never hinted at any feelings besides desire.

"Asato?"

"Hm?" Tsuzuki reached up, running his finger across Tatsumi's brow. Something was better than nothing though.

"You're beautiful".

The simple statement brought a small smile from Tsuzuki's lips and Tatsumi's heart continued to soar. He gave Tsuzuki a small kiss before leaning his head against his shoulder. Tsuzuki started playing with Tatsumi's hair and Tatsumi closed his eyes, listening to the still rapid beating of Tsuzuki's heart.

"I think I'm addicted to the scent of you." Tsuzuki noted softly, shutting his eyes as he buried his face into Tatsumi's hair.

'I love you' Tatsumi mouthed.

Since Tsuzuki was not able to hear him.

Tatsumi wanted to say it aloud. Actually he wanted to stand outside and declare his feelings to the top of his lungs.

For now though, he would just hope that this was enough for Tsuzuki. He couldn't give anymore than this. He just couldn't bring himself to say those words for Tsuzuki to hear.

Because his fears hadn't changed just because they had been together.

In fact, they grew.

Tatsumi wondered what he would do now once Tsuzuki changed his mind and realized he wasn't in love with the other. But that day would be in the future.

Right now, he was happy. Content. Peaceful. His lids felt heavy and he closed his eyes.

(A/N…I am saving a lemon for a later chapter. I think of this chapter as a kind of intermediary step LOL cause they moved forward in one way, but not in others).


	8. Chapter 8

I'm all about Tsuzuki and Tatsumi so…

Pairing—T&T

Disclaimer—I only own my sincere apologies for taking so long to update. And a cold. I do not own anything YNM related.

Thanks for the feedback; Sasskitten, LadyBlackCat, Tee Dee, Kanilla, Kotilo, Superherogirl, Belladonna (Tatsumi is dominant, at least in my mind LOL), LiteraryEagle, Paxwolf, and Shax!!

Thank you thank you thank you!!! Reviews are always appreciated.

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"5 more minutes" Tsuzuki mumbled as he slept. He rolled over, nuzzling closer, and giving Tatsumi even more of an edge.

Tatsumi lifted Tsuzuki's leg and draped it across his own. "Asato…" he sung melodically into the other's ear. He shifted his attentions down, nibbling against Tsuzuki's earlobe. "Wake up" he whispered.

Tsuzuki's violet eyes fluttered open with a sigh as Tatsumi rolled himself on top, placing small butterfly kisses against his neck. He mumbled something Tsuzuki didn't understand. "Hm?"

I love you, Tatsumi repeated in his own head. Yet he only answered Tsuzuki with a kiss. "Up" he ordered softly.

Tsuzuki had always loved waking to find Tatsumi's eyes staring back at him. "I am up" Tsuzuki smirked. "Can't you tell", he shifted seductively beneath him.

Tatsumi closed his eyes with a shudder at the enticing feel. Tsuzuki reached up, cradling Tatsumi's face and leading him down for a passionate kiss.

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"This is the 4th time. It's not like Tatsumi to be late. What's been getting into him lately?" Chief Konoe wondered as Tatsumi rushed past everyone to his office.

Watari waited until Konoe was out of earshot. "What or who?"

Tsuzuki grew ten shades of red. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Uh huh…" Watari laughed, heading downstairs.

"I don't know what he's talking about!" Tsuzuki repeated for Hisoka who still was staring at him.

"I don't care. And you do know. Why you two think you can hide it is beyond me."

Tsuzuki opened his mouth to protest.

"Don't care." Hisoka reminded him with a wave of his hand. "Hurry up. We have to go."

Tsuzuki put on his jacket, standing. "That makes two of us" he mumbled.

Why Tatsumi was so determined to keep their….

Whatever it was they were having….

A secret was beyond Tsuzuki.

And it bothered him.

They spent each and every night together. On their days off, they spent time together as well. They even actually left the bedroom…sometimes for other rooms, sometimes to actually go outside. They went to movies, plays, out to eat…all of the things one normally did on a 'date'. Except for Tatsumi wouldn't even hold Tsuzuki's hand, and the couple of times they did run into one of the others, Tatsumi always made it known that they were just 'hanging out', as friends did.

Tsuzuki knocked on Tatsumi's door, peaking in before Tatsumi had the chance to answer. "We're off."

"Fine". Tatsumi muttered without looking up from his papers. This relationship with Tsuzuki was having a bad effect on him. He was always late…then again. It was a small price to pay.

They got to spend every night together. On their days off, they spent time together as well. They even actually left the bedroom…sometimes for other rooms, sometimes to actually go outside. They went to movies, plays, out to eat…all of the things one normally did on a 'date'. Sure, Tatsumi wouldn't hold Tsuzuki's hand, and the couple of times they ran into one of the others, Tatsumi always made it known that they were just 'hanging out', as friends did.

Yet, this…whatever it was…was the highlight of his afterlife.

"Asato?"

Tsuzuki turned and looked again at Tatsumi's whisper. "Hai?"

"Come over when you're ready?" Tatsumi asked his blue eyes sparkling as he took off his glasses for a moment.

"Hai."

Tatsumi flashed a grin and then went back to going over the months bills.

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Hisoka had sensed evil within the man, and Tsuzuki jumped into action.

Hisoka would have thought he would have been used to it by now. Hisoka's eyes grew as Tsuzuki closed his eyes in concentration, preparing himself for battle.

Tsuzuki was strong. The strongest of them all and everyone knew it. However, Hisoka still found himself in awe of his partner during these times.

Yet, as strong as Tsuzuki was, the tolls on him were also the greatest at the end.

No matter how evil, every life was precious to Tsuzuki in some way…and whenever he had to take a life, any life, he was devastated more than anyone.

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That evening, Tatsumi left his office to find Hisoka finishing up the paperwork. "Tsuzuki left you to do it all?" Tatsumi asked, even as he already knew the answer.

"Today was hard on him" Hisoka shrugged. "Besides, he's so slow."

"You do realize that is primarily a ploy to get out of doing the work himself. He knows how to finish the reports quickly when he needs to."

Of course he knew that. However Hisoka didn't mind doing the work on days like this. Tsuzuki needed to be alone with his thoughts right now, and Hisoka appreciated that, "Why are you here so late?" Hisoka changed the subject.

"I arrived late" Tatsumi noted. "Do not stay too much longer" he called as he walked to the front office door. "You two can have until the end of the week to finish."

"Are you going to see him?" Hisoka asked, stopping Tatsumi in his tracks.

Tatsumi knew that pretending otherwise would be a waste when it came to Hisoka. Hisoka knew…and knew…too much. "Not right away."

"I believe you should. Today was hard on him"

"I know that without your telling me." He could always…feel…when Tsuzuki was in distress. Even more so now that they were lovers. His heart grew so heavy when Tsuzuki depressed as he knew Tsuzuki was right now. Yet, given his life wasn't in danger, Tatsumi kept up the presence of the Secretary and worked a full day despite it all. And he planned to go and see Tsuzuki first thing in the morning if Tsuzuki didn't come to him first. "As I realize you know he needs to be alone right now, or otherwise you would be with him."

"I am not you. You need to go right now."

Tatsumi opened his mouth…

"Not that I care one way or another." Hisoka went back to going over his report. A moment passed and he looked up once more. "Sorry" he apologized as Tatsumi continued to glare at him.

Tatsumi accepted his apology by leaving and Hisoka took a breath.

Scary.

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Tsuzuki needed to be alone, and Tatsumi knew that. So did Hisoka. So where did Hisoka get off telling Tatsumi otherwise? Tatsumi walked quickly. That boy had become too mouthy lately. They all had become too mouthy lately…Tatsumi was starting to think that it was better when everyone was afraid of him.

Tatsumi walked up the porch and opened the door. "Tsuzuki?" he called as he eased into Tsuzuki's place. The moment he went inside, so much sadness hit him that he mentally cursed the connection he felt with Tsuzuki. He almost turned around and left the place, but with a deep breath he closed the door. Besides, he was only here to prove Hisoka wrong, Tatsumi told himself. He looked around and headed back into the bedroom. He knew what would happen. Tsuzuki would wind up smiling sadly, putting on a happy face for Tatsumi as he always had. Tatsumi would take that as a sign that Tsuzuki really needed to be by himself in order to allow himself to be sad, and Tatsumi would leave. Tsuzuki would come to him sooner or later. This was the way things always had been, and Tatsumi knew of no reason as to why they would have changed even though they were….whatever they were. "Asato?" he called again, peaking into the bedroom. Tsuzuki was sitting on the bed, staring towards his window though it was obvious he was looking inward instead of at the night sky.

Tsuzuki turned towards Tatsumi at the sound of his name, smiling despite the additional tears welling up in his eyes.

Tatsumi had to look away and glanced at the floor.

"I thought I was supposed to meet you at your place" Tsuzuki stated. Tatsumi looked up at him.

"Today was difficult for you" Tatsumi answered. "I came by to see if you were all right."

"I will be" Tsuzuki focused his eyes on the window once more.

"You just need time" Tatsumi realized. "Come on by when you are ready."

Tsuzuki nodded and Tatsumi left the bedroom.

Tsuzuki sighed deeply as the door closed again. He allowed his face to fall once more, the tears to return.

Tatsumi left. Of course Tatsumi left. It was what Tatsumi did. Tsuzuki pretended that he would be fine, and Tatsumi would leave.

Yet, Tsuzuki never wanted Tatsumi to leave. He had never wanted to pretend that he would be fine. However, that was their pattern. That is what they always did. The only time Tatsumi stayed after an ordeal was when Tsuzuki slept.

Tsuzuki had always loved opening his eyes to find Tatsumi's staring back at him.

If he had known Tatsumi was on his way, he would have pretended to be sleeping.

Tsuzuki had wanted Tatsumi to refuse to leave him alone. To stay there with him while he went through this.

Tsuzuki forced himself from the bed. Maybe a shower would help. He opened his door, and his eyes grew.

Tatsumi was leaned up against the wall, staring at the floor.

Yet, he was still here. He hadn't left him alone.

"You're still here…"

Tatsumi continued to fight the small urge to leave. He almost did leave. Yet, when he had made it to the front door, he realized he no longer had the urge to flee as he used to. There was a part who wanted to go to the safety of his clean, emotionless home. But it was a small part Tatsumi realized.

The rest of him wanted to stay here. He wanted Tsuzuki to be honest and not pretend everything was okay. He wanted Tsuzuki to trust him enough to do that. And in order for that to happen, Tatsumi realized he needed to

actually stay around long enough.

Tatsumi took a breath and turned to face Tsuzuki. "I am hoping that you need me" he admitted softly.

Tsuzuki's eyes filled with tears again, and Tatsumi mentally braced himself for the waterfall. Tsuzuki threw himself against Tatsumi.

Just having Tatsumi here; just knowing that Tatsumi had chose to stay here, lifted Tsuzuki's heart to the point that he allowed himself to fully let go, and he cried. Tsuzuki now could trust that it was in fact okay to be sad in front of Tatsumi. His Tatsumi.

Because His Tatsumi was still here.

Tatsumi wrapped his arms around Tsuzuki, realizing that he was exactly where he wanted to be. Where he needed to be. With a sad, crying Tsuzuki. His sad, crying Tsuzuki.

His Tsuzuki, who trusted him enough not to pretend that he was alright.


End file.
